Offsets

Americans aren't eating enough fruits and vegetables, and I want to help.
Here's my plan--OFFSETS.
You've heard about celebrities who buy "carbon offsets" where they pay money to a company to plant trees to "offset" the carbon their jet planes create when they travel.
My "fruit and vegetable" offsets work the same way.
You pay me to eat fruits and vegetables and you can use those "offsets" when you explain to your doctor about your health concerns. If you aren't eating enough fruits and vegetables, pay me to assuage your guilt.
I'm not stopping with fruits and vegetables. If you're embarrassed by a series of marriages, pay me to offset your lack of commitment.
Embarrassed because your big sport utility vehicle only gets 13 miles to the gallon? I've got two cars that get 30 miles plus, and I'll sell you a few miles per gallon for a price, of course.
Offsets to help you feel better about your unhealthy and wasteful habits, that's the key to a happy and healthy future, according to me.